The Young Ones take on the Labyrinth
by Fantasmagorie
Summary: A Labyrinth Young Ones crossover. After Rik get wished away, Neil, Mike and Vivian have to take on the Labyrinth...or does the Labyrinth have to take on them? Completed!
1. Gone!

The Young Ones take on the Labyrinth!  
  
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A/N - Righty Dokey Skip! Here's a little Laby/Young Ones cross over. The basic plot is that Vivian wishes Rik away and he and the rest of the boys have to take on the Labyrinth. Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer - I don't own any of the characters mentioned in this story. Not even Vivian's hamster, Special Patrol Group!  
  
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The Cast  
  
Jareth - A Goblin King, and a complete bastard.

Rik - Another complete bastard

Neil - A bloody hippy

Vivian - An anarchy encouraging, violence loving punk

Mike - A short statured wheeler dealer

Hoggle - Another short statured wheeler dealer

Ludo - Another bloody hippy

Sir Didymus - Another anarchy encouraging, violence loving punk

Special Patrol Group (SPG) - A hamster with a Scottish accent.

Also frequent appearances of numerous Goblins, talking household appliances and animals.  
  
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Chapter One - Gone!  
  
All was quiet in the boy's house (or the commune as Rik liked to call it). The hermit who usually lived in the cupboard was having a nice lie down on the tattered sofa, the stick of butter and the carrot were enjoying their daily ice skate on a greasy plate and the man from the "Your Country Needs You" poster had stepped out of his frame to assume the same position at the kitchen table.  
  
Then, suddenly, a deafening ringing sound shook the entire house to its foundations.  
The sound in question was coming from one of the bedrooms...  
  
...Neil sat up slowly and yawned, his bed hair was ten times worse than normal as he hadn't cut it since he left home and never combed it anyway. Then he turned his attention to the giant, eardrum smashing alarm clock by his bed.  
  
"Wow! 2pm!" he exclaimed as he switched it off "Good thing I set this last night or I would've slept in."  
  
As Neil made his way down the hall and the rest of the house's nocturnal inhabitants had retreated to their usual hiding places, one of the doors exploded off its hinges and out stepped a wiry denim clad monstrosity with flaming red hair styled in three parallel mohawks and with enough safety pins to hold Pavarotti's trousers together.  
  
"Have you ever noticed how much grit you get in your bed?" said Vivian happily and shook out his hessian blanket in Neil's face, covering him in a mound of sand and grit.  
  
"Yeah, I have that problem with birds sometimes." said Mike emerging from his room in his usual Hugh Heffner dressing gown and slippers "Mike the cool person swaggers calmly down the hall "Morning Viv, morning Neil." he calls out to the passers by..."  
he continued to go downstairs with his rather loud inner monologue but the others had gotten so used to it over the years that they hardly noticed their friend was talking to himself anymore.  
  
There was some kind of commotion at the other end of the hall and Rik stormed out of his room clutching a rather overweight hamster with the same hair style as Vivian.  
  
"VIVIAN!!! THAT BLOODY HAMSTER OF YOURS JUST ATE MY POEM!!!"  
  
"YOU BASTARD! YOU SHOULDN'T LEAVE THEM LYING AROUND THEN!  
YOU MIGHT HAVE KILLED HIM!" Vivian yelled back angrily then picked up the guilty hamster. "Awww! Did that mean old bastard's poems disagree with you, Special Patrol Group?"  
  
"Oh aye!" said the hamster in his usual Glasweigan twang. "It tasted like shite!"  
  
"That's like because it is shite!" Neil piped up.  
  
"Well what would you know, hippy!" said Rik scornfully "And it'll be shite for society when the kids start getting into it! It's a reflection of the establishment in "Goblin Form" and other fairy tale creatures."  
  
"Yeah! Well, I wish those bloody Goblins would come and take you away, right now!" shouted Vivian.  
  
There was a spontaneous flash of lightening outside that caused a momentary power failure. For a few seconds it was unusually dark and when the lights came back on again.... Rik was gone!!!


	2. Heavy!

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Author's weird idea - Have you ever wondered if David Bowie uses the photo on the cover of the Aladdin Sane album as his ID photo?  
  
David - "Oh damn it! I had my eyes closed."  
  
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Chapter Two - Heavy!!  
  
"Oh wow! Rik's like gone guys!" said Neil with amazement.  
  
"Yeah, no shit, Sherlock!" said Mike, then noticed the sinister figure standing by the window. "Hey, wait a minute! That stylishly cloaked androgyne looks a bit like David Bowie in a wig!"  
  
"Nah!" snarled Vivian "Wouldn't he have a car? And a chauffeur?...And an Armani?"  
  
"Whoa! Heavy!" said Neil and eyed the mysterious stranger suspiciously "How did you get through that tiny window?"  
  
Jareth smirked at the three zit covered teenagers. Honestly, some people! "Magic, you silly boy!" he drawled.  
  
"Oh."  
  
The Goblin King was mightily disappointed with this lot. He had been hoping for a challenge, or at least someone who was reasonably attractive. These numskulls had about as much sex appeal as a road accident and hardly a brain cell between them.  
N'ya well.  
  
"So where's Rik?" asked Mike.  
  
"You know very well where he is." said the Goblin King.  
  
"No actually I don't." said Mike as defiantly as his height would allow.  
  
Jareth shrugged with annoyance and pointed out the window and instead of the dingy London street outside the guys found themselves staring at an ominous castle at the centre of a giant Labyrinth. "He's there, in my castle. Do you still want to look for him?"  
  
"No!" shouted Vivian.  
  
"No!" said Mike.  
  
"Hey! Like, wait guys! Rik's like gone and it's all our fault. I mean that's really heavy,  
man!" cried Neil and turned to the mysterious Goblin King. "We're going!"  
  
"Well I guess it would save us explaining things to the police." Mike mumbled.  
  
"You bunch of poofs!" Vivian shouted angrily and started to walk back to his room before discovering that there was no room to go back to and they were all standing in a weird deserty place. "What the hell!"  
  
"You have thirteen hours in which to solve the Labyrinth." said Jareth impatiently "Before your...Rik becomes one of us forever." and he faded away into the ether with an evil laugh....  
  
"Whoa! Heavy!" Neil whispered.  
  
"Heavy indeed." Mike acknowledged as they stared at the monstrocity in front of them. 


	3. Hoggle

Chapter Three - Hoggle  
  
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A/N - Thank you to Moonjava for this story's first review. Thank you thank you thank you!  
  
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The guys made their way towards the gigantic structure in front of them. Neil's long chocolate locks blew limply in the slight breeze as did his long grubby shirt. Mike was stomping behind him complaining that the dirt was ruining his Gucci carpet slippers and Vivian was kick sand everywhere and jumping on the occasional lizard while Special Patrol Group tucked into some jaffa cakes he had found in Vivian's jacket.  
Soon they got to the outer wall where they came across a funny little man urinating in a nearby pond.  
  
"Er... excuse me?" said Neil.  
  
"Wha!?! Excuse me!" said the little man. "Oh it's you three!" he added as if he had been expecting them and started spraying some fairies.  
  
"Hey cool!!!" cried Vivian as he saw the little creatures fall to the ground in pain.  
"Can I have a go?"  
  
"Hmmm? Go ahead." the Dwarf grunted. And Vivian happily grabbed the spare spray can.  
  
"Oh VIVIAN! That's like really heavy man!" cried Neil angrily and picked one of the casualties up. "You could like give them cancer or something!" he quickly dropped the fairy. "OW! It bit me!"  
  
"What did ya expect fairies to do?" said the Dwarf.  
  
"Whoa bad karma, man!" moaned Neil.  
  
"Me name's not Man, it's Hoggle." said the Dwarf angrily. "Hoggle Balowski, acha service."  
  
"Uncanny!" said Vivian between sprays "Our landlord's called Balowski!"  
  
"Oh!" said Mike "You er don't know the way into this Labyrinth by any chance?"  
  
"I know lots of things." said Hoggle mysteriously.  
  
"But do you know where the door is?"  
  
"What door?"  
  
Mike growled with frustration "It's hopeless asking you anything!" he cried.  
  
"Not if you ask the right questions...." said Hoggle.  
  
"Will you tell me for twenty quid?" said Mike after a moment's thought.  
  
"Ahhhh!" said Hoggle happily "Now that's more like it! You certainly catch on a lot quicker than that Sarah girl what was here before. You gets in....there."  
  
And sure enough there was a huge doorway that hadn't been there before. 


	4. Worm

Chapter Four - Worm  
  
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_I am a simple cow_

_Living a simple life_

_But sometimes I feel exploited_

_Ireland will never be free until_

_I can marry my brother.  
(Dylan Moran)  
_  
A grotesque circle of Goblins surrounded the new prisoner with curiosity. Rik recoiled with fear and disgust as he discovered that these guys nearly smelt as bad as Vivian's socks. Then there was their King to consider who was laughing at him and looked as though his sides were about to split.  
  
"You! Take me home right now!" Rik shouted.  
  
"Ah! No can do, amigo, you're stuck here!" said a rather tiny Goblin with a Mexican accent.  
  
"Rodriguez's right." Jareth admitted "Unless your friends get here in....oh twelve hours and seven minutes, you're stuck here. And I will take great pleasure in personally turning you into one of my Goblin minions. Not that the transformation will be very hard!" at this point he laughed maniacally at his own joke and after a threatening glare or two the Goblins followed suit.  
  
"You can't do that to me!" shouted Rik "That's an abuse of my human rights! That's just the sort of thing that Thatcher would do! Your nothing but a bloody fascist!"  
  
The Goblin King smirked evilly at him "True. But I don't see you in a position to do anything about it. This is a different world, your pathetic little student politics don't work here or anywhere for that matter."  
  
"This is repression!" screamed Rik "I'll fight you every step of the way!"  
  
"I'm bored of you now." Jareth drawled and waved a hand lazily at one of the Goblin guards "Take him away!"  
  
"Take him where, your Majesty?" said the Goblin.  
  
"To the dungeon you idiot!" the Goblin King sighed "Well, go on. Hop to it!"  
  
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"What do you mean, Labyrinth?" cried Mike with frustration "It just goes on and on!"  
  
They had been walking for what seemed like hours now and were getting seriously pissed off. Even Neil, who was generally a passive, peace-loving kind of guy, was beginning to lose his rag.  
  
"Yeah! This is really heavy man!" he said.  
  
"'Allo." said an unfamiliar voice.  
  
"Who said that?" said Vivian. "Special Patrol Group, was that you?"  
  
"Ach no! It was the wee wormy thingy on that wall over there." said the hideously over-weight hamster.  
  
"'Allo." said the voice again.  
  
"Are you a worm?" said Mike.  
  
"Yeah s'right!" said the little worm happily. "Though ya might like to know that there's an opening right in front of you that'll get you straight to the castle."  
  
"Where?" said Vivan sceptically and began searching.  
  
"Hey! Thanks man. That was really helpful." said Neil.  
  
"Er...I believe Hoggle said you gave him twenty quid...." said the worm insistently.  
  
"Oh! Fine!" Mike grumbled and coughed up. "I'll be broke by the time we get out of here."  
  
Just then Vivian got tired of searching for the opening and head-butted the wall angrily and created a gigantic hole with dust and rubble flying everywhere.  
  
"Hey! Guys! I found the way to the castle! We can just break our way through!" he called back happily.  
  
"Hey! Nice one Viv." said Mike and quickly swiped back the twenty pound note.  
"Sorry wormy boy, better luck next time."  
  
"Viv! Didn't you hurt yourself on that wall?" asked Neil worriedly.  
  
"Nah! They're only made of polystyrene." said Vivian and quickly continued his destructive journey through the walls towards the castle...


	5. Which Way?

Chapter Five - Which Way?  
  
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The guys had found there way through most of the stone maze after about four hours of walking, arguing, walking, fighting, walking, stopping for a quick lentil casserole and (you guessed it) walking. By now, they were all very tired and irritable except for Vivian who had found a weird looking monkey creature from under one of the paving slabs and was currently dangling it by its waistcoat.  
  
The little creature wriggled around maniacally, spouting some very colourful language in its high pitched, angry voice. Neil didn't understand much of it but he was sure he heard it say "Your mother is a fraggin' aardvark!"  
  
"How dare you! My mother was a saint!" shouted Vivian. "Well... I mean she's not in prison any more."  
  
"Hey, how is Mrs Vivian these days?" asked Neil.  
  
"I dunno. I think Mike could give you a more reliable update." said Vivian bitterly.  
  
"Hey! She came on to me!" Mike protested loudly and was about to back his case up further when the group came to a dead end.  
  
"Oh Heavy!" moaned Neil. "This place is like really horrible!"  
  
"Better use that battering ram of a head you got there, Viv." said Mike.  
  
"Righty ho."  
  
Vivian moved back so he could get a good run up but screeched to a halt when four strange looking creatures appeared out of nowhere in front of two large, ornate doors.  
He failed however and sent the strange bunch flying in all directions.  
  
"Ooops!" said Vivian with a lot less sympathy than he should have done.  
  
"Who are you? This was a dead end a minute ago." said Neil.  
  
"No that's the dead end behind you." said one of the creatures and tried to get the dents out of his helmet.  
  
"The only way out of here is to try one of these doors." said another, nursing a large cut above his eye. "One of them leads to the castle at the centre of the Labyrinth and the other one leads to...." he paused for effect. "Certain Death!"  
  
"N'ya! They're both good!" said Vivian.  
  
"Which one is which?" asked Mike.  
  
"Er....well we could have told you if that red headed freak over there hadn't crashed into us and gotten us all mixed up." said the third creature.  
  
"I recommend you just pick a door and get it over with." said the fourth. "I mean castle, certain death, same thing really."  
  
"OK. I choose....that one." said Mike coolly "You guys with me?"  
  
"Sure." said the others. It was usually best to trust Mike in these situations. They passed the threshold of the door on the right but hadn't walked three steps until a large trap door opened and swallowed them up... 


	6. Piece of Cake!

Chapter Six - Piece of Cake!  
  
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"Where are we?" Neil's voice echoed through the darkness.  
  
"Elementary my dear Hippie." said Vivian with an exaggerated Sherlock Holmes accent "It appears we are in rather a tight spot. A dungeon, I believe."  
  
"Oh heavy!"  
  
"Erm...guys. Who's touching my leg?" said Mike blindly. "You might be thinking it's your leg what with the dark and all but it's actually mine."  
  
"Not me." said Neil.  
  
"Not me!" said Vivian hastily.  
  
"Then there's someone else in here with us!!" cried Mike "Who's there?"  
  
"Me." said a gruff voice and a flame sparked in the corner lighting a candle. It was that dwarf from earlier.  
  
"Oh it's you!" cried Neil. "So you were the one touching Mike."  
  
"You poof!" said Vivian disdainfully.  
  
"Actually, I was just tryin' ta pick his pocket." Hoggle explained. "I should've gone for the jacket cause all I gots was an expired condom and some Murray mints."  
  
"Remind me say no next time you offer me a Murray mint, Mike." said Neil.  
  
"Anyway, what you guys need to do is get out of here." said Hoggle bluntly "Another twenty quid should do it."  
  
"No way! I'm not giving you anymore money, little man." shouted Mike. "I need this money for my educational needs, and to pay off my gambling debts, but mostly for educational needs."  
  
"Well, if yous lot want to get out of this oubliette on your own, be my guest." said Hoggle sarcastically.  
  
"All right!" said Vivian happily and head butted another wall. A whole section of it came crashing down to reveal an underground passage. "There we go."  
  
"I give up!" shouted Hoggle and stomped off.  
  
"Oh come on! Don't get all sulky on us." said Mike and followed him through the hole.  
  
"Yeah!" said Neil "Can't we all be friends?"  
  
The little dwarf carried on through a series of tunnels with strange faces carved in the rock.  
  
"Whoa! The walls are like talking to me, man." said Neil.  
  
"Yeah, they do that sometimes." said Hoggle after he'd cooled down a little from his temper tantrum. "Did you mean what you said. About being friends?"  
  
"Sure." said Mike.  
  
"Yeah, man." said Neil.  
  
"If you like." said Vivian.  
  
"Wow! Three new friends in one day." said Hoggle happily. It was truly a beautiful moment that was somewhat ruined by the flawless crystal orb that was rolling along the floor. The guys followed it unwittingly until it broke all laws of physics and jumped into a pot that a blind beggar was holding.  
  
"Whoa!" said Neil.  
  
"Oh fuck not again!" cried Hoggle. "Come on Jareth, we know it's you!"  
  
"Someone say my name?" said a smooth voice from behind them. They all jumped and looked around to see the Goblin King in all glory leaning against a wall.  
  
"Huh?" the group said.  
  
"I never do the same trick twice." Jareth explained.  
  
"That who's that?!" cried Hoggle pointing to the beggar.  
  
"That's Billy the Blind Beggar. And don't try stealing his change cause that man's got a mean punch on him." said the Goblin King.  
  
"Oh." said Vivian and immediately dropped the pennies he'd taken.  
  
"And how about you guys?" said Jareth with a sneer "How are you enjoying my Labyrinth?"  
  
"Piece of cake." said Mike.  
  
"Easy peasy." said Vivian.  
  
"Lovely architecture." said Neil.  
  
"Bloody hippie!"  
  
"Really?" said Jareth and cocked an eyebrow "Then you wouldn't mind if I docked a few hours of your time limit." and a clock appeared on the wall in front of them. They only had six hours left!  
  
"Oh man! That's like really heavy!" whined Neil.  
  
"You say that so often." said Jareth "I wonder what your basis for comparison is." he paused thoughtfully. "If you think this is heavy, hippie, then get a load of this!"  
  
And he disappeared in a puff of blue smoke. When the lads and Hoggle had stopped coughing they realised to their horror that the exits had been sealed off and the ceiling was getting steadily lower... 


	7. Neil Junior

Chapter Seven - Neil Junior  
  
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A/N - I'm not dead! I'm getting better! I think I'll go for a walk. I feel happy! I feel happpyyyyyyy!!! CLUNK  
  
Anyway, shorty today. Thanks again for reviewing if you have thanks in advance if you will...  
  
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"Wow! Thank God we got out of that perilous situation." said Mike as the gang resurfaced somewhere in the hedge maze with only a few minor bruises.  
  
"Where to now, Hoghead?" asked Vivian.  
  
"It's HOGGLE!!" shouted the dwarf angrily.  
  
"Oooh! Well, excuse me!" said Neil sarcastically "It's all right for you because you don't have a friend to save in under six hours actually, actually! And you don't have to slave over a hot lentil casserole all day long, actually, only to have Viv spit it at you!"  
  
"Ah! Shut up you bloody hippie!" cried Hoggle. "Just cause you look like an old woman doesn't mean you has to act like one!" there was an awkward silence "Now come one!"  
  
The walked and walked and walked and argued and walked and walked and threw some rocks at Neil and walked some more until they came to a shady clearing that was occupied by a giant orange monster that bore and uncanny resemblance to Neil!  
  
"Who's that?" asked Mike curiously.  
  
"Oh no! Not another bloody hippie!" shouted Vivian.  
  
"Hey, like chill guys!" said Neil "He like looks really sad or something." he turned to the monster kindly "Hey man! What's wrong?"  
  
The creature looked up tearfully and pointed to a rather large Goblin spear lodged in his foot. "Ludo hurt!"  
  
"Ludo is that your name?" asked Neil, he was really making a connection.  
  
"Ludo." said the monster again, just to make it perfectly clear.  
  
"Well from now on you can be called Neil Junior." said Mike. "It's easier to remember."  
  
"Neil Ju-nor!?"  
  
"Yeah close enough." said Vivian "We're trying to find that prick what lives in the castle, you wanna come with?"  
  
"Sure." said Ludo er... Neil Junior. 


	8. Trains and Health plans

Chapter Eight - Trains and Health plans  
  
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The hands spun wildly around the face of the old clock in the dungeon. Why there was a clock in a dungeon, Rik had no idea. He looked up to see the unbelievable amount of time that had passed.  
  
"Bloody hell! Is that the time?" he cried worriedly.  
  
"Nah. The clock's broke." said one of the Goblins guarding his cell in a matter of fact kind of voice.  
  
"Oh." said Rik and went back to mumbling to himself "Stupid Vivian! Sending me here against my will. He probably hasn't even bothered to come and get me and I'm just going to have to rot here forever."  
  
"No, I'm sure his majesty will give some kind of horrible and menial job to do." said the Goblin.  
  
"Or torture you a bit." another one suggested.  
  
"Yeah. It's all good." the first chirped.  
  
"How can you lot live like this?" said Rik, outraged.  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like this! Under the rule of some crazy fascist with a bad hair day." Rik explained.  
  
"Well his majesty may be a crazy fascist but he makes the trains run on time." replied the first Goblin.  
  
"Yeah and the royal guards get a real kick ass health plan." the second guard piped up.  
  
"Because we get our asses kicked all the time." the first one finish and they both collapsed with roars of laughter.  
  
"You lot are insane." said Rik dismissively and went back to his pile of straw in the corner.  
  
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Meanwhile in another part of the castle, Jareth was feeling particularly pissed off.  
Those weird students had manage to escape his trap in a rather ingenious way concerning a condom and a Murray mint and now they were way to close to the castle for comfort. He had to devise a new evil plan but was suffering from a bad case of mental block.  
  
"As much as I hate being repetitive I might have to use another magic peach." he mumbled to himself. Then he looked into a crystal which showed a rather distorted image of Neil's slightly dazed face. "Or do I?" he said wistfully and chuckled evilly.  
This was going to be fun....  
  
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The guys were now heading deep into the forest after Vivian beat up some door knockers. They came into a clearing where a strange fox like creature with a triple mowhawk was ruthlessly decapitating some pink fuzzy creatures.  
  
"Hey you!" shouted Mike.  
  
"What ho gentlemen!" said the fox "Fine day for killing Fireys isn't it?"  
  
"I dunno but it looks fun." said Vivian "Can I try?"  
  
"Of course. By the way I'm Sir Didymus." said Didymus.  
  
"I'm Vivian." said Vivian. "I like your hair."  
  
"Yes. I like yours too." said Didymus as they murdered countless creatures only to have them reform again.  
  
"Do you want to come with us and solve this maze thingy?" asked Vivian.  
  
"Sure if there's more killing involved." replied Didymus and off they went. 


	9. Food for Thought

Chapter Nine - Food for thought  
  
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A/N - OK! I'm back from the valley of death! Finally! Anyway, here's a beauty of a chapter.  
WARNING - Suggested drug use! No likee no readee k!  
  
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"Come on guys! Didymus and I found a short cut!" Vivian called to the others who were still struggling through the forest's undergrowth.  
  
"Yay verily!" said the fox and powered up a large chainsaw. "If we cut our way out we'll reach the castle before sunset."  
  
"Ye hearrd the man... er... thing." said Special Patrol Group "Let's get cutting before our plans gang oft a'glay!" A/N - Don't ask  
  
The group began to quicken their pace now all those annoying trees were out of the way.  
  
"Hungry." Ludo/Neil Junior whined.  
  
"Yeah, me too." said Neil "I wonder if there's like any food in this place." he checked a clump of bushes for any fruit or mushrooms but found something totally unexpected. "Hey guys! I like found a lentil casserole in the bushes!"  
  
"Fantastic I'm starving!" said Mike.  
  
"Hold on yous lot!" cried Hoggle "It's probably a trap! Some people have been known to find food in these parts and it gives them strange hallucinations and visions."  
  
"Whatever!" said the group and tucked in.  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Five Minutes Later OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
"See! I told you it was perfectly safe." said Neil after they had finished eating and no strange side effects had presented themselves. "Now let's all sit back and relax and have a go on this magic bong I found." and he held up a large pot smoking contraption shaped like a Goblin holding a crystal ball...  
  
"Oh, for cryin out loud!" cried Hoggle "And I thought Ludo was stupid!" but Neil was already gone and was flying off into space!  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONeil's DreamOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
  
MIKE : Did you see that?  
  
SPACEMAN #1: Major Tom. You know, I just thought - it's like that song by David Bowie.  
  
SPACEMAN #2: What, er, The Jean Genie?  
  
SPACEMAN #1: Yeah, that's right. Hey, look. The planet Earth is blue and there's nothing we can do.  
  
ALIEN #1: Talks in alien language - Caption says: Oh no! Got any dynamite?  
  
ALIEN #2: Caption Sure have Gets the dynamite out. There is an explosion. Neil doesn't notice  
  
ALIEN #1: Caption Hey, that hippie must be really out of it  
  
BOTH: Caption Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha  
  
Neil returns to Earth  
  
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONeil's Dream EndsOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO 


	10. The End

Chapter Ten - The End 

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A/N - Here it is! The final chapter! I know I know it took me long enough and it's a load of old crap but college is a bitch right now.

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When Neil woke up he found himself in a much harder place than the forest floor and something was prodding him.

"Neil. NEIL!" a voice shouted. The hippy opened his bloodshot eyes and looked around. He and the others were in some kind of rubbish tip.

"What happened?" he groaned.

"You took some magic drugs and flew off into space." said Hoggle.

"Oh yeah." said Neil and pulled himself up. The gang looked slightly relieved that he wasn't hurt except for Vivian who was seriously disapointed. Suddenly a weirded looking woman scuttled forward with a load of useless crap on her back

"Are you lost dearies?" she asked pleasantly.

"Um...yeah we were just looking for someone." said Mike.

"Well look here." said the old lady and held out a life size inflatable sex doll. "That's what you were looking for, wasn't it dearie?"

"Inflatable Ingrid!!" cried Mike joyfully "I thought I'd lost you when my hairdryer melted your face....er...I mean no! I've never seen that thing in my life."

"No. We're looking for our friend Rik." said Neil.

"Rik? Spotty lad? Bit of a bastard?" said the old woman.

"Yeah that's the one." said Vivian.

"Why didn't you say so. He's in that big ominous looking castle over there." and lo and behold the goblin city was only a few yards away.

"Wow! Thanks nice old lady." said Mike. The old woman cleared her throat and held out a grubby hand. Mike sighed and slipped her twenty quid.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"Your Highness!" shouted one of the Goblins. "The Hippy!"

"Who?" said Jareth, looking slightly bored.

"The hippy who found the bong and went off into space!"

"What of him?"

"He's here with the two short dudes, the punk, the monster, the weird fox creature and the obese hamster!"

"You mean they got past the giant robot with no neck?!"

"Yes! They bribed it! They're right outside the city gates!"

"....Shit! Time to resort to plan B."

"You mean?"

"Yes! Get them drunk and lock them in the dungeon..." said Jareth maniacally "I should have done that in the first place!"

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Two days later

Vivian woke up with a pounding headache. The last thing he remembered was being challenged to a game of "Drinking Jenga"

"Well look who's awake!" said an annoyingly familiar voice. But instead of seeing Rik like he expected to he saw a particularly ugly little Goblin.

"Oh! Rik! You're a Goblin. Tough luck mate!"

"Well so are you!"

"Am I?"

"Yeah! And so's everyone else, you bastard. You lost us the bloody challenge!" shouted a Goblin version of Mike.

"Oh right. The thing." said Vivian "Sorry guys."

"And now we've got to clean out the Bog of Eternal Stench for all eternity!" wailed Goblin Neil.

"Er... correction. YOU are going to clean out the Bog of Eternal Stench. The rest of us are going down to the tavern to meet Hoggle and the others." said Goblin Mike. "See ya!"

And so, life continued as usual. Except that they were in a crazy fantasy world. And they all lived long and reasonably contented lives.


End file.
